Coping for Families

Written By Amanda Freeman

Happy March families! 

This month, as I continue to build a series of skills that support both you and your child, I felt it was important to begin with something foundational: coping tools to enhance emotional regulation within our families. Many of you know that my family has been battling one illness after another this winter, and it’s been truly exhausting at times. If you’ve experienced any level of weariness or stress during this season, amidst the joyous moments, I encourage you to take a moment to explore these research-backed coping strategies. These practices can help ease stress and improve emotional well-being for both you and your loved ones.

I typically break coping into two main domains: behavioral (body) and cognitive (thinking). As I often explain to my patients, it’s nearly impossible to address unhelpful thoughts when our bodies are in a state of turmoil. Stress can cause a significant cognitive drain—you lose 10-15 IQ points when stressed. This makes it incredibly difficult to think critically or communicate effectively in those moments.

As parents, it can also be a challenge to encourage our children to calm themselves when we’re struggling to maintain our own composure. Children with autism or other neurodiverse challenges may initially struggle to self-initiate coping strategies. However, family coping can be highly effective, and modeling these behaviors is key. A large part of my work with parents involves encouraging them to model their coping tools. It’s important to explicitly narrate your feelings and actions out loud—not just for your own benefit, but also to help cue your child in on the process.

Modeling and narration of your own emotional experience and coping lessens the likelihood of a power struggle with your child or teen.

Behavioral Coping Techniques:

  • This unnatural type of breathing allows the body to trade more incoming oxygen for outgoing carbon dioxide. This causes the heartrate to slow and can lower or stabilize blood pressure. Using your diaphragm also activates your vagus nerve, which is the nerve in your body that triggers your body’s relaxation response. An example can be found here https://www.uofmhealth.org/conditions-treatments/digestive-and-liver-health/diaphragmatic-breathing-gi-patients) 

  • The act of deliberately tensing and relaxing various muscle groups in succession. An child-related example can be found here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4gJuAyPxUk

  • An awareness of the current, present moment while also calmly accepting any feelings, bodily sensations, and thoughts that pop up.

    While many of us will not become meditation experts, the core concept is highly applicable. A few strategies include:

    • The “5, 4, 3, 2, 1” - notice 5 things you see, 4 things you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can hear. You can also focus on one sense (e.g. look for things that are blue or a certain shape).

    • Another idea is to use the “Benson Procedure” in which you focus on your breath while repeating a meditative word and/or visualizing something generally positive.

    • Tangibly writing or drawing can also help to maintain a presence in the moment.

    • Prayer and the focus on God (He who is stronger, comforting and all knowing) can also alleviate feelings of stress.

  • Engage in Moderate to Intense Movement/Exercise. This may look like dropping down in front of your kids and doing 10 push ups, jumping jacks or a deep, yoga stretch.

    Changing your bodily sensations and/or temperature of your body (e.g. face, head, hands in cold water/ice; going outside (in our frigid Michigan weather), or biting into something citrusy or other strong flavoring.

With all these stress-reducing techniques, it’s important to remember to give yourself grace. You will lose your cool sometimes — it’s natural. We’ll discuss in future posts how to repair and process these moments with your kiddos. The key is to keep trying and practicing these techniques as often as possible.

Take note of how your body (and your child’s) feels before and after engaging in these coping techniques. This will help you recognize what strategies works best. Additionally, positive practice — practicing when you’re calm — is crucial. The more you practice, the easier it will be to access these skills in moments of high stress.

Next month, we’ll dive into cognitive-related coping tools to further support stress management. In the meantime, I encourage you to focus on building your behavioral coping toolkit. This will help you cultivate more peace in your daily life and within your family.

Warmly, 

Dr. Willar

Amanda Freeman